forgive me i'm trying to find my calling.

so last night was opening night of the play.
i am at a good point. i did well but i can do better.

since the last post ojk played a show and i officially got out of debt. we sold several cds and got paid to play the show. hooray.

this week was exhausting. i had dress rehersals every night and our first performance last night. along with that i had 2 tests.

i have learned something about myself. i don't get stressed i get depressed. for absolutely no reason this week i was sad and felt crappy. my happy streak was broken and that was kindof sad. however now that i am done with my tests and have one performance under my belt i am instantly in a better mood. thus i am lead to believe that i don't get stressed i get depressed. that line is so catchy i am going to write a song about it.

the other day i was sitting in one of my little youth ministry classes and became discouraged again. looking back it may have been a symptom of the stress. people started to throw out what i would consider to be Christian cliches. one example goes as follows, "we should stop being so complacent and go out and help the poor." that is great and i agree we do need to acknowledge poverty but to me it seems like helping the poor is the easiest and most gratifying mission field that people can get into. it seems to me that this just becomes cliche and another easy answer to gratify ourselves as Christians.
now i am not saying that these people are wrong. i agree totally that Christians need to engage the problem of poverty and make an attempt to stop it. i wish more power to the people that want to stop poverty but i am afraid that if i go into the mission field i won't be like that. i don't feel like i am the stereotypical youth minister and i don't want to be that at all. i don't know how that relates to peopel who feel strongly about poverty but in my head it does. please don't read this the wrong way and think i am a bad person.

i heard a song that struck a chord with me. it was remembering sunday by all time low.
ps. i'm tired of band stuff. i'm really getting fed up with not being able to just do what i want to do and be happy doing it. i love ojk and am not leaving the band but if there is no conflict i don't know why i have to take unlimited amounts of shit just to play a show with the benedict affair in a town that is 2 hours away.
for the first time today the thought of quiting both bands popped into my head and that scares me.
and with that thought i am done.