nobody ever had a dream round here, but i don't really mind and its starting to get to me.

it seems the current trend in my ring of blogging friends is to be scared about the future.
i considered a title like "the future freaks me out" however comma i don't feel like this would actually express what i am feeling.
i am scared about becoming a youth minister again. i feel called by God to continue down this path and I honestly don't know where it is leading. i am going to be a spiritual advisor to people who are just starting to gain some sort of understanding about this fiat.
this has caused a panic.
i am not in any way prepared to start ministering to youth. i feel more prepared than before i guess. a year or so ago my parents wanted me to speak at awana's. i refused because that was a time of intense struggle for me. i was completely doubting everything religous and losing hope in the church. i have moved past this but have realized that this struggle won't end and that it can be a good thing. that being said i still don't feel prepared to start ministering to youth.
i am afraid of cliches. i have been thinking about a "personal relationship with Jesus". what does that mean? to me it just seems like some happy phrase that we throw around to remind us that we are Christians.
i don't want to preach these kinds of things to youth. i want to make Christianity relevant to them and help them see that Christians are different but not in the way that everyone thinks.
to bring this thought around full circle, i am afraid that i am not prepared for this path that God has set before me and it is starting to get to me.
if i were to look at the list of things i want to do before i die a lot of them involve band things. be that with the benedict affair or ojk. (for those who are out of the loop, i have made the decision to move to the benedict affair but not leave ojk. it seems like ojk is on its last legs, members are talking about leaving and it saddens me greatly but i am not going to let myself get held back once ojk ends. thus i am joining the benedict affair and will play with ojk happily till it breathes its last. that is the simple version of what is happening).

long story short i hope i grow up to be awesome.