it's always on your mind but you never speak of it.

Merry Christmas blog readers.

i'm home safely.
quick recap of what happened finals week:
1. took tests that i was under prepared for.
finals are hard because i just want to be done and i don't want to stress out.
2. my last exam was not supposed to be hard according the professor.
i went in having planned a few little quirks with friends to make the test more fun.
said test was difficult and leveled all fun i was considering having.
3. upon returning from the exam i noticed my roomate had rented a nintendo wii.
all stress disappeared and i played wii tennis till my arm hurt.
i want a wii.
i played the wii a lot wednesday and thursday
4. ojk practiced for the first time as a whole band since october. twas very needed
that was in brief what i did exam week.

friday the benedict affair had a show in des moines.
it was slightly disappointing. it was at a very nice venue but not many people came. we probably brought in more fans than any of the other bands. i am going to guess that the ominous weather stopped a good deal of people from coming. regardless it was fun because playing concerts is always fun.
after the concert i braved the weather and left for home. the 2 hour drive was blanketed with fog. i made and was happy.

and now that puts me here. i have done extremely normal things since arriving at home. i haven't seen much of my dear old friends, but i will be home for a while yet.

every time i look into the sky i see the lone sun shining...

i remembered that i love hip hop music the other day.
i was thinking on rap music that i used to listen to and la symphony came to mind. i went on itunes and immediately purchased their first release. i love it... again.

so today i realized that i thrive on recognition. i like being affirmed in what i am doing. if you are reading this do not start complimenting me on random things because i'm not hinting at anything here. i'm not depressed and fishing for compliments so don't get that impression. the feeling that i get when i have accomplished something and someone recognizes it is very fulfilling to me.

the semester is winding down and i have no desire to prepare for the end. finals start monday and i have yet to start studying. tomorrow is pretty free for me so hopefully i can pull down some motivation.

break should be a good time. some down time will be nice for a while. i want to write some songs that push my voice with some neat and relevant lyrics.

i have received a part in the spring play. it is going to be an intense show. i am really looking forward to working on it.

it's so simple and complicated the way you can judge me

so things are starting to wind down right before winding up again. next week is dead week and the following week is exams.

i had to write a paper for a class about a church. i choose my home church. in talking to my pastor and my father i realized that i love Austinville CRC. i cannot wait to get back there. there is something about the way german people bellow out the hymns that just cannot match anything in sioux center. i also never realized how close everyone actually is in Austinville. i miss it.

i have been listening to a band called oh, sleeper. i am in love with their lyrics. one song in particular has really hit me hard. the song is called we are the archers and it is about struggles with Christianity. the song is about how a guy is struggling and everyone around him is falling to their struggles. at the end he realizes that he is being backed by a large group of archers ready for battle. i love this imagery. i have been thinking about this for a while now.

i just got done trying out for the spring play "dead man walking". it is about a man on death row and a nun who visits him. it will be a heavy show, but i think it will be a good acting experience if i get cast. i hope i get cast.

sometimes at dordt i feel like i am being judged by people. just because i am a youth ministry major that must mean that i have to have this unachievable squeaky clean image. i may be completely off on this but i feel like i'm constantly being watched because i hang out with people who smoke or aren't afraid to speak their mind. i do realize that i am not a perfect person and i probably do a lot of things that are not good to do, but i don't think this will hinder me should i become a youth pastor. we have been talking a lot in classes about how if you want to engage youth you have to enter into their suffering. if you march in there and hit them with a Bible and a bunch of verses about morality they are going to turn you of the second you speak. i don't want to hang out with the happy fun super Christian crew because i don't fit in with them. again it comes back to my fear that i will become the stereotypical youth pastor that only wants to tell kids how to be better Christians. i'm afraid of that, i want to talk to these kids engage them and when i feel comfortable tell them about Christ.

that was a blog.

no one cares if you have a target if you don't know how to shoot.

i came up with that title on my own.
i thought of it in the shower this morning. it is about people who think they are renegades because they rebel against corporate america when they have no idea what they are doing. they just run around all willy nilly thinking they are making a difference without taking time to think about their rebellion. it annoys me.

a great deal has happened since the last blog.
quick run down.
1. the movie me and elliot and kenny and dave and ben made took second place in the film festival.
2. i have been directing a one act play and that is going well.
3. played in storm lake with the benedict affair.
4. went home. got to see just about everyone i could have ever hoped to see. the only people i didn't get to see was my cousin cassie and aunt marion.
5. saw all my good friends from high school plus some.

that is a brief synopsis of the last few weeks.
last night ojk played in sioux falls with the blend.
the blend is a good band. we played in a bar, the crowd was pretty slim but we made several new fans. initially i was pretty bummed that no one was into our music but by the end of both of our sets we had a lot of people enjoying us. we recieved a great deal of positive drunken feed back and we appreciated it. i remembered again why i like making music.

so now i am back at dordt. no classes today but they begin again tomorrow.
hopefully i can get back in school mode for a few weeks.

you know very well who you are, don't let them write you off.

i have a big week ahead of me and so little motivation.
it's pretty lame.

we had ojk practice yesterday and we sounded good.
here is something that is bothering me. yesterday we recieved an email from an a & r company who said they were interested in our (ojk's) music. this is not a definite thing but they said that for some bands this is the first step to making it big. first of all this is not a guranteed thing and basically if we wanted to do this we would have to drop everything and pursue the band and even thn there is no gurantee that we will make it. so those are the given circumstances.
here is the thing. this is coming after the fact that we have all come to terms with the fact that ojk is ending.
there are so many things going through my head. i will express them in outline form
1. why couldn't this have come earlier.
a. if this could have come a year ago we could have taken this more seriously.
2. if this is real this is a dream come true.
a. i could make it in a band that i enjoy
3. is this real? there is no gurantee
4. i don't think ojk is capable of dropping everything. we don't have enough clout
5. do i actually want to be in a band for the rest of my life
a. yes i do. i love making music and i could be happy.
b. no, i don't know what i want to do
c. i don't know what i want in life.

those are just a few things that are running through my mind. add about 10 more complications to each thought and you have what is running through my mind right now.

and this all comes after we had all gotten comfortable with where ojk is going.

i need to pray about his more.

i'm starting to believe the ocean is just like you...

the winter's tale closes tonight.
it has been a long ridiculous run. this play has been incredibly difficult for everyone. honestly the play has been the least of some people's worries. a lot of personal things for a lot of the cast have come up during these last few weeks and it is getting hard for the cast to deal with. i don't really feel like going into details. i have learned from this play that theatre can be so emotionally involving that all the little backstage problems can seem like a big deal when they are not. when you are with a small group of people for the amount of time that a cast is together it seems like there is no other world outside the theatre, but this show his helped me realize that there is way more going on. and that is all i really want to say about that.

last night we had a cast party at our director's house. it was nice to kick back with the cast and not stress out.
this morning i slept in for the first time since getting back to dordt.

on tuesday i saw mewithoutyou thrice and brand new in concert. hooray. i could go into detail but i don't think it would be interesting so to be brief it was neat.

my parents came out for parents weekend. i love my family.

in other dumb news my iron lung (my ipod) has died. i might go a little batty if i don't find a music playing device to replace it soon. but again this is one of those insignificant problems that i should probably put out of mind.

have a nice day reader.

this post showed up randomly and i dont know how to delete it.